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Picture of Howard and Dave
Uncensored interview transcript of Letterman's appearance on the Howard Stern Show.
STERN: I won't make that promise to you. I won't say that to you.
LETTERMAN: But here's how dumb I am. It took me like six years to realize that, because I would call Howard on a Sunday, and I can remember you said, "Go out to Dave's house. Find Dave. We want to find out what's going on." So people -- So I wake up and there's somebody on the roof with a camera.
STERN: Right, of course.
LETTERMAN: And I called up Howard and I said, "You know, Howard, it's all very funny." And then Howard said, "Oh, you know, I've had some problems myself, you know. I can't talk about it." So I'm thinking, well, here's something we understand and agree on.
STERN: We're bonding. Yeah, right.
LETTERMAN: And the thing that Howard told me about was just horrifying. It was just like -- it was just the ugliest thing I ever heard.
(Letterman indicates holding a rifle and aiming.)
STERN: Yeah, right, it was bad stuff. I knew I could trust you.
LETTERMAN: Howard understands.
STERN: I knew you wouldn't tell people. That's what I like about you. That's why I like you.
LETTERMAN: And then the next day suddenly I'm an idiot because I made the mistake of calling Howard at home. "Can you believe this moron? He called me at the house."
STERN: It's good stuff. And you see, I could have had a show business friend and everything, a powerful show business friend.
QUIVERS: But you don't want that.
LETTERMAN: It only took me six years to figure it out.
QUIVERS: That's very obvious. That's why you do those things.
STERN: I don't want it. You know why?
LETTERMAN: 'Cause you're a weasel.
STERN: I would be a terrible show business --
LETTERMAN: You have no conscience. You're amoral.
QUIVERS: You said right away it would be too much pressure.
LETTERMAN: You're amoral.
STERN: It's too much pressure. I have four and a half hours a day to kill.
LETTERMAN: Exactly, sure.
STERN: I'm about to start the motion picture, Dave.
LETTERMAN: When does principal photography begin on that?
STERN: We start lensing -- Ivan Reitman is producing.
LETTERMAN: Oh, he's very good. He was involved in the Late Shift movie.
STERN: He produced that. Betty Thomas is directing.
LETTERMAN: What color hair are you gonna have, Howard?
STERN: I'm going with my own hair.
LETTERMAN: Red hair.
STERN: Betty Thomas is directing.
LETTERMAN: Oh, Betty Thomas, very nice, Betty Thomas.
(Letterman leads a round of applause.)
QUIVERS: Is that your only objection, the hair, the color of the hair they chose?
LETTERMAN: Yeah, yeah, that's about it.
STERN: Otherwise it was pretty accurate?
LETTERMAN: I'm a pretty simple guy. It don't make any difference to me.
STERN: My objection is Mike Ovitz looked like God walking into the room.
LETTERMAN: Treat Williams.
STERN: Yeah, really. What's that all about?
LETTERMAN: So is this movie going to be like a blockbuster?
STERN: I believe it will.
STERN: I believe it's a wonderful script. I believe people --
LETTERMAN: Yeah. What's the rating gonna be on this?
STERN: Probably R.
QUIVERS: Why does everybody ask you that?
STERN: Because everyone is wondering if I'm doing like a porno movie, and it's not.
QUIVERS: I don't think they sat Eddie Murphy down and said, "Well, what's the rating gonna be?"
STERN: Yeah, but everyone expects me to be doing like Butt Bongo Fiesta, but it's not.
LETTERMAN: Sure, yeah.
QUIVERS: A foreign film.
STERN: It's really a good story.
LETTERMAN: I'll bet, yeah.
QUIVERS: I'll bet.
STERN: It's a story when you call me up and then I betray you. All right. Anyway, I want to thank Dave Letterman. What do you do now?
LETTERMAN: I gotta go.
STERN: Where do you go?
LETTERMAN: I'm going back to work.
STERN: What is your schedule? What do you do? You come in early in the morning?
LETTERMAN: What did I say? What did I say? I'm going back to work.
STERN: What do you do? Are you playing bits?
LETTERMAN: Yeah, bits.
QUIVERS: Do you meet with the writers right away early in the morning?
LETTERMAN: Yeah, bits and skits, one of those bits about having a baby. We're doing a bit now about getting somebody pregnant.
STERN: How much do you still hate doing that show? You're sitting there with the same bits. You gotta do the bits every day, man.
LETTERMAN: I love it.
STERN: Don't you want to bow out?
LETTERMAN: You know, when people like you are on the show, then it makes it easy.
STERN: It's fun. We have a good time.
LETTERMAN: Have I kissed up enough to you now?
STERN: Yeah, you have.
LETTERMAN: Have I kissed your ass enough this morning, Howard?
STERN: Well, I've kissed your ass more than enough times.
LETTERMAN: And I appreciate it.
QUIVERS: Does he get upset when people take the people he's created and use them?
STERN: Yes. Like when Larry Bud Melman -- this is a good creative question.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, oh, yeah.
STERN: See, I got mad at Jackie and Bababooey and all these guys.
LETTERMAN: Right. I can't stand it another day. Please, anything, I'll take any opening. Get me out of here.
QUIVERS: No, no, no. Come on. Come on.
STERN: Listen to me. I'm gonna end the interview. Jackie, Bababooey, and all them, some promoter hired them to do a Friends of the Howard Stern show.
LETTERMAN: That stinks.
STERN: And I got crazy. You guys are gonna go out and do a lame show.
LETTERMAN: That's right, exactly.
STERN: And then everyone will hate these guys, and that will be the end of it.
LETTERMAN: Exactly. I know in the beginning we had trouble with that. They would hire this one to do that and this one to do that, and it would drive us nuts, because we couldn't control it, and then we'd think, well, wait a minute. He's representing the show and it stinks, and, you know, after -- we just don't care anymore.
STERN: Is that why Larry Bud hardly gets on the show any more?
LETTERMAN: No. Larry's on as often as people want him on the show.
STERN: He is?
QUIVERS: Because I know those two guys are now -- they got something or whatever.
STERN: Yeah, like Hopchee and Kuhamad.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, that's right. Hopchee and Kuhamad.
STERN: Dump those guys now.
LETTERMAN: That's right, Howard, Hopchee and Kuhamad, exactly.
STERN: Explain Chris Elliott to me. I don't get it.
LETTERMAN: Very funny man.
LETTERMAN: Very, very funny man.
STERN: I don't get it.
LETTERMAN: Without question one of the funniest people I know in television today.
(Gary Dell'Abate enters the room.)
LETTERMAN: Oh, now what?
STERN: What is it?
DELL'ABATE: I was adding, didn't Paul just buy the bar in front of your studio?
STERN: Who, Paul Shaffer? What's he up to?
DELL'ABATE: No, but there's a bar right in front of where the studio is, and Paul's one of the principal owners.
STERN: You should fire his ass.
LETTERMAN: Good deal.
STERN: He's overpaid.
LETTERMAN: He bought a bar. Excellent deal. There's a moneymaker.
STERN: That's what you want to be, a bartender.
LETTERMAN: That's a gold mine.
STERN: The guy's got a show business career and he wants to be a bartender.
LETTERMAN: 80 percent goes to the mob.
QUIVERS: Is he worried about something?
STERN: He's right below Morty. All right. Anyway, listen.
LETTERMAN: I've gotta go. I'm out of here. I've gotta go.
STERN: David Letterman, thank you for coming in.
LETTERMAN: Thank you, Howard. Thank you very much.
STERN: It was a lot of fun for me anyway. I don't know about you.
LETTERMAN: Nice to see you. I'll give you a call.
STERN: Give me a call. I think I can keep it under wraps.
LETTERMAN: Towards the end of this century.
STERN: David Letterman and his beautiful assistant Diamond -- Diamond, one name, like Cher.
(Letterman does a couple promos.)
LETTERMAN: Hi. This is Dave Letterman. Guess what? You're listening to the Howard Stern Show. Hi. It's me, Dave Letterman, and it's like a hostage situation, and you're listening to the Howard Stern Show.
MR. DELL'ABATE: Thank you very much.
Copyright (C) 1996, CBS Eyemark Entertainment Inc.
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