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STERN: How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Be honest. I'm curious.
LETTERMAN: Let's see. It would have been --
STERN: 20? 18?
LETTERMAN: Yeah, right in there.
STERN: Were you good at it?
QUIVERS: Why are you guessing? What is this, multiple choice?
LETTERMAN: Oh, yeah. I was a bandit right out of the box. I was just a bandit. You're looking at like one of the great studs of North America. That's me, pal, right there. (Letterman pounds the desk to imitate the sound of sex.)
STERN: How many women in your life do you say -- who is the most famous woman you ever made love to?
LETTERMAN: So anyway In the late '70's Richard Simmons was a guest --
STERN: Did you make love to Mary Tyler Moore?
LETTERMAN: -- on the Tonight Show, and, you know, it was before Richard Simmons was really, you know, like the King of Queens, or whatever the hell he is now.
STERN: Right, and he annoyed you.
LETTERMAN: I found him annoying, and so then after that I would see him periodically at things at NBC, and he would just be screaming and annoying and irritating, and I just thought --
STERN: No reason to put him on.
LETTERMAN: I just thought I don't want this guy in my life. It's just like, you know, I can annoy myself. I can handle that. I don't need this guy.
STERN: Yeah, right, you don't need him.
LETTERMAN: And then years and years and years later I would hear him on your show, and I thought, jeez, that's brilliant. Howard's figured out a way to make this guy enjoyable. So based on that we booked him on the show.
STERN: I know, because now he won't do my show. He will only do that schtick on your show.
LETTERMAN: You hurt his feelings, Howard.
STERN: Yeah, big deal.
LETTERMAN: You won't go to the movies with him.
STERN: Yeah, yeah. That was terrible. I said he was effeminate.
LETTERMAN: Right. Try to keep it entertaining, Howard.
STERN: What else is on the list? I believe I influenced you --
QUIVERS: What else? What else is on the list?
LETTERMAN: Try to keep it entertaining here.
QUIVERS: Excuse me. I'd like to hear what he has to say.
STERN: Oh, okay.
QUIVERS: Good Lord. We finally get him here. Let him talk.
STERN: I am letting him talk.
LETTERMAN: Thank you very much.
STERN: All right. How else have I influenced the show? Please.
LETTERMAN: Oh, you know, after I used to listen to you talk to your mom --
STERN: I felt responsible for that.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, I started calling my mom on the radio -- or on the television.
QUIVERS: Did he listen to our list that he's just regurgitating?
STERN: Yeah, I think so. I think you can tell. Really, right?
LETTERMAN: Yeah, that's true.
STERN: Merrill actually felt that I had something to do with it.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, clearly, without question.
STERN: Because she said you weren't even that close with your mom.
LETTERMAN: Howard, you're a genius.
STERN: Is that true that you're not close with your mother?
LETTERMAN: Mom and I have a lovely relationship.
STERN: Really? I don't think you like your mother.
LETTERMAN: Nothing could be farther from the truth. Wonderful woman.
STERN: Diamond is learning a lot about you today. All right, Dave, you've done well.
LETTERMAN: All right. Seriously, now what, what, what?
STERN: You have answered all our questions. I have one final question, and I'm gonna ask you. I don't mean to put you on the spot. You can tell me if I'm putting you on the spot, okay?
LETTERMAN: You're putting me on the spot.
STERN: All right. Final question.
QUIVERS: Wait a minute. Before you have a final question --
LETTERMAN: Who's gonna pay my parking? I have a question.
QUIVERS: I did read that you're, you know, now doing that schtick where you say you want to have children.
LETTERMAN: Schtick, I'm doing that schtick.
STERN: You do want to have children?
LETTERMAN: It's a bit. I'm running a bit there. Yeah, it's a bit.
STERN: Where is he doing this, Robin?
QUIVERS: He does it in interviews now.
LETTERMAN: I thought it would be hilarious to have a couple of kids.
QUIVERS: He's thinking of getting married --
LETTERMAN: It's just a bit.
QUIVERS: -- because he wants to have children.
LETTERMAN: That's right.
STERN: Is that right?
LETTERMAN: It's just a bit, just a little comedy
schtick. We're doing a little skit.
STERN: Listen to me, buddy. Why would you want to have kids?
LETTERMAN: I would like to have children. You got kids. You got like six of them or something, don't you?
STERN: Yeah, that's right. Why would you want to have kids if you've got this perfect life? You like to go home. You don't want to be annoyed.
LETTERMAN: All right.
STERN: You're selfish in the sense that you're selfish of your own time.
LETTERMAN: One day I would like somebody to run the estate. That's why.
STERN: So why don't you marry this girl that you're with? She's an NBC camera woman or something?
LETTERMAN: That's right. She works the camera. She works in sports. She works a sideline camera for the NFL.
STERN: How do you meet a girl like this?
LETTERMAN: She holds the parabolic microphone on the side. You see her down by the end zone.
STERN: Was she thrilled when you --
LETTERMAN: Believe me, I have not thrilled this woman in many, many years, believe me.
STERN: You're a tough guy to live with, but how do you pick up a woman when you're David Letterman?
LETTERMAN: I don't pick up women.
STERN: Where did you meet this woman?
QUIVERS: At work.
LETTERMAN: That's right. I met her at work.
STERN: You just saw her in the commissary or something?
LETTERMAN: Yeah, in the commissary, that's exactly where it was.
STERN: No, no. How did it happen? I love romance.
LETTERMAN: She was pulling cable.
STERN: Tell me, how did you meet her?
LETTERMAN: She had her gloves on pulling cable and I was having a cheeseburger.
STERN: Come on. Why are you uptight about this?
LETTERMAN: I'm not uptight about it. What do you want to know?
STERN: Is this one of Morty's cast-offs or was this a woman you met on your own?
LETTERMAN: No, no. That's all I can do for myself.
STERN: No, Dave, be honest with me.
LETTERMAN: I'm being honest with you, Howard.
STERN: Come on. Everyone's fascinated by your personal life. You're very guarded.
LETTERMAN: You're starting to get on my nerves.
STERN: Come on. Give me one more minute.
LETTERMAN: No, no, I'm not giving you a minute. You're starting to get on my nerves. You're on borrowed time now, pal.
STERN: All right. I need you to do a scene in my movie. (Private Parts)
LETTERMAN: Yeah, sure, pal.
STERN: I'm gonna throw it at you. Tell me what you think.
LETTERMAN: I'll be in it.
STERN: You will?
LETTERMAN: Uh-huh. Wait a minute. Tell me what the scene is. Am I naked? Is somebody farting? Is it something like that?
STERN: No. Remember the time early in my career when I came on your show?
STERN: All right. I came on your show -- listen to me.
LETTERMAN: I'M LISTENING.
STERN: And I walked on, and it must have been one of the first appearances, and I went on and I started ragging on NBC, and you thought it was funny.
STERN: You were working for NBC at the time.
STERN: I just want to recreate that for about 20 seconds.
STERN: That's all I need.
LETTERMAN: Well, sure.
STERN: You would do that?
LETTERMAN: Well, I guess. I mean, that's no scene.
STERN: No brainer?
LETTERMAN: You mean like come on the show and recreate that moment?
LETTERMAN: I guess. Why don't you just use the actual tape?
STERN: Because I don't look the same in that and it won't match.
LETTERMAN: You're worried that you'll look silly.
STERN: No. I'm gonna look silly, but it's a different time period that I need it for.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, sounds great.
STERN: Well, think about it. I don't want to put you on the spot.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, let's do it. It sounds great.
STERN: All right. Now, this woman, just let me understand something. You meet her at NBC, and then you're David Letterman, right?
STERN: So she says --
QUIVERS: Do you send somebody out or do you do it yourself?
LETTERMAN: Yeah, that's right. I send somebody out. It's my team of goons.
STERN: You have your people.
LETTERMAN: I send out my team of goons. I have my people, exactly.
STERN: You saw her; you were attracted to her?
LETTERMAN: They sedate her. They put a little something in a handkerchief.
STERN: No. How did you make the move?
LETTERMAN: They get her limp, they bring her back to the office --
STERN: How did you make the move?
LETTERMAN: -- and the next thing you know (Letterman pounds on the desk to imitate the sound sex.)
STERN: How did you make the move? How did you make the move?
LETTERMAN: There was no move. Do I look like a guy who's got any moves?
QUIVERS: You must have something.
LETTERMAN: I have no moves. Shut up.
STERN: Yeah, but you don't need moves. You're David Letterman. You can get girls.
QUIVERS: Tell us something. Do you do it yourself or do you send someone?
STERN: Or does Diamond go pick up these --
LETTERMAN: I have a team of goons who takes care of everything.
STERN: Diamond, what's your job? Do you do everything?
LETTERMAN: Leave her alone.
STERN: I know even when Dave calls my house, you've got to make the phone call.
LETTERMAN: Leave her alone. She's not talking to you.
STERN: Why not?
LETTERMAN: We're done. We're out of here.
STERN: Are you in love with Dave?
LETTERMAN: Have the team of goons bring the car around.
STERN: Are you a married woman?
STERN: Do you love Dave?
QUIVERS: Did Dave end your marriage?
LETTERMAN: Stop it. Leave her alone.
STERN: She loves Dave.
STERN: This is a good story. It's romance.
LETTERMAN: What story? The story's finished.
STERN: You meet this girl at the commissary.
LETTERMAN: I don't know where we met. We met.
STERN: You won't talk about that?
LETTERMAN: I'll talk. There's nothing to talk about.
STERN: Where did you meet her?
LETTERMAN: We met somewhere in the building.
STERN: You walked up to her and said, "Hi, I'm Dave Letterman"?
LETTERMAN: Exactly. I walked up and I said, "Hello. I'm Dave Letterman."
STERN: "And I'm attracted to you. Would you go out with me?"
LETTERMAN: And the next thing you know, it was like a nine year honeymoon.
LETTERMAN: It was just unbelievable. It was just amazing.
STERN: And you live with this woman?
QUIVERS: And now she lives in New York during the week and then she comes out to Connecticut on the weekends?
LETTERMAN: Look. Follow her, okay? Hire somebody. Follow her. Leave me alone.
STERN: You're really uptight.
LETTERMAN: I'm not uptight.
STERN: I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I heard you dated a girl from Radio Moscow.
STERN: Anyway, listen, so David Letterman finally came in, answered all our questions. It wasn't so horrible for you.
LETTERMAN: I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it, Howard.
QUIVERS: Will you do it again?
LETTERMAN: I'll do it again.
QUIVERS: How long from now can we expect you back?
STERN: Will we ever see you again?
LETTERMAN: Yeah, I would like to come in.
STERN: All right.
LETTERMAN: Let me just say one thing. The reason, first and foremost, that I did this is because over the years -- and you and I have known each other for a long time now --
STERN: Yes, we have.
LETTERMAN: -- over the years you have done many, many nice things for me and for the show --
STERN: Thank you.
LETTERMAN: -- and it occurred to me that the only thing you have ever asked of me was to come and be on the program.
LETTERMAN: And when you had your little birthday nickel-and-dime dog-and-pony hoo-hah --
STERN: You screwed up.
LETTERMAN: -- where everybody gets balloons, or whatever that crap is --
STERN: Right. You screwed up.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, and I just thought, well, this is stupid.
STERN: I'm glad you came in. I mean, what's the big deal? We have a nice rapport, right, Diamond? What, is he gonna go back and start throwing chairs in his office or something, that he wasn't good or something?
LETTERMAN: Put on a red wig.
STERN: Yeah, I mean, what are you gonna do? I mean, that's it. Did Morty ever hit on you, Diamond?
LETTERMAN: We gotta go, Howard.
STERN: No, you gotta go, all right.
LETTERMAN: We gotta go.
STERN: So listen, thanks for coming in.
LETTERMAN: Nice to see you guys.
STERN: This was exciting.
QUIVERS: Are we gonna find out something wacky about Morty in a couple of years?
STERN: Oh, yeah.
LETTERMAN: What do you mean find out something wacky? What more do you need to know about Morty?
STERN: No. It's exactly what I told you.
LETTERMAN: What else wacky could there be?
STERN: You know what was wierd? Remember when you used to call me at my house, and then we stopped doing that because I would talk about it on the air?
STERN: Did that really upset you?
STERN: It did?
LETTERMAN: Yeah, it did upset me, because, you know, it's like --
STERN: It was wrong.
LETTERMAN: -- I had things to say to you, and the next next thing you know, there's Howard being an idiot telling the world. It's stupid. You make it very difficult to be friends with.
STERN: But that's the problem with --
LETTERMAN: I would like to be your friend.
STERN: I would too.
LETTERMAN: I don't have that many friends. It would be great to have a friend like you.
STERN: You know what the problem with that is?
LETTERMAN: But then I would think, okay, I'm telling you something, and the next thing it's on the radio.
LETTERMAN: And I don't want it on the radio, so stop it.
STERN: You're exactly right, because I know I could promise you right now --
LETTERMAN: You must have no friends.
STERN: I have no friends.
LETTERMAN: You have no friends.
STERN: I have no friends.
LETTERMAN: Why do you have no friends?
STERN: My wife takes me home and --
LETTERMAN: Why do you have no friends? You know, I'll tell you why. You're a sociopath.
STERN: I am.
LETTERMAN: That's your problem. You're a sociopath.
QUIVERS: Who are your friends? Who are your friends?
STERN: Yeah. You have no friends either, pal.
QUIVERS: Who are your friends?
LETTERMAN: I have friends.
STERN: Yeah, right. Don't you hate hanging out with people?
LETTERMAN: I have my little pen pals from the short waver's club.
QUIVERS: The short wave people.
LETTERMAN: The little short wave club.
STERN: I'll tell you what. Do you like to gamble?
LETTERMAN: No, I don't like to gamble.
STERN: Do you like to play cards?
LETTERMAN: No, I don't like to gamble.
STERN: You don't play cards?
LETTERMAN: No, I don't play cards.
STERN: Do you do guy stuff?
LETTERMAN: Well, yeah.
STERN: Besides that dopy racing?
QUIVERS: Do you go to the ballgame or something?
LETTERMAN: Oh, racing, I like racing.
STERN: Oh, please, what the hell is that, sitting in a car?
LETTERMAN: That's for sissies. What is that, racing?
STERN: Yeah, right. What do you like to do?
LETTERMAN: 240 miles an hour, what is that? That's nothing.
STERN: Do you play blackjack?
LETTERMAN: No, I don't like to gamble. I don't find it --
DELL'ABATE: Maybe we could invite Mr. Letterman to our next Scores party.
STERN: No. He would freak.
LETTERMAN: No. That would be good.
STERN: He doesn't like girls. I mean, he's like into serious girls.
LETTERMAN: No. I would like to do that.
STERN: No. You would flip out.
STERN: You would never do it.
LETTERMAN: Would strange embarrassing things happen?
STERN: No. We all sit there. There's strippers.
LETTERMAN: Well, I understand that.
STERN: And the lights are low and we get lap dances and stuff, but you're not that kind of guy.
LETTERMAN: I don't know if I want a lap dance with you in the room, you know?
STERN: You wouldn't know I was in the room.
LETTERMAN: Because I would think that's some dynamic, you know, that you're enjoying.
STERN: So we could have been friends, but we would never have gotten together, would we have? Let's say I could keep my mouth shut.
LETTERMAN: Oh, good Lord, no, no, never.
STERN: That's what I'm saying.
LETTERMAN: Now you're delusional.
STERN: I would talk to you. I think I could keep quiet, but I don't even trust myself. My wife --
LETTERMAN: Because I want to tell you something, you know, there are things that you and I understand, experiences that we share being in broadcasting all our lives.
STERN: Yes, that's true.
LETTERMAN: Sometimes it would be nice to pick up the phone and just share those without fear of them being broadcast on the radio.
STERN: I'll give you my word.
LETTERMAN: It won't happen, and let me tell you why, sir. Let me just tell you why.
STERN: Tell my why.
LETTERMAN: You, sir, are a sociopath. That's your problem.
STERN: But it was weird for me when you would call anyway because it's like -- I don't know.
QUIVERS: I don't how Dave can call you so many names.
LETTERMAN: There's got to be a schedule. If you call Howard after sundown, some kind of an alarm goes off. The sun has set. We got a call from the Naval Observatory. You can't call Howard after the sun has set.
STERN: You're as weird as I am.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, right.
STERN: You have as many emotional problems as I have.
LETTERMAN: Right, right.
STERN: And you can't relate to people like I do.
LETTERMAN: Flattery. Thank you very much.
STERN: You've got the same problems I do, let's face it, and you know what? My wife even says to me, she says to me, "Promise you won't talk about this on the radio," and I mean it.
LETTERMAN: Right. Right.
STERN: I say, "I promise I won't."
LETTERMAN: That's right.
STERN: I swear to you I mean it. I'm sitting here.
I'm looking at Robin and I go --
LETTERMAN: You don't know the difference between right and wrong. That's your problem.
STERN: Right, that's my problem. That's absolutely right.
LETTERMAN: You just don't know.
STERN: I know I don't. That's why I would never even say to you --
LETTERMAN: You are morally bereft.
STERN: Like I never could pick up the phone to Dave and say, "You know what, Dave? All our conversations are off the record. They'll never be on the air."
LETTERMAN: That's right.
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